Forgiveness - by L. Jeanette Strole

Approaching the Seattle courtroom podium to address the "Green River Strangler" were family members of forty-eight victims that Gary Ridgeway brutalized between the early 1980's and mid-nineties. On this stark December day in 2003, Ridgeway would be sentenced to life in prison without parole. Remorseless, he sat in his chair, as his accusers lined up to express their wishes for him to rot in hell. It was no shock to Ridgeway that they all hated him, and his reaction to them was as unyielding as their hate.

Then the cameras captured a moment, where hate was suddenly disabled. Two parents relied on their Christian faith to address the poster-child of evil with words of forgiveness. "Gary Ridgeway, most of the people in this room hate you. I am not one of them. I want you to know that I forgive you," declared a white-haired, bearded man. Another woman spoke gently. "Gary, I forgive you. You can't hold me anymore." Suddenly the icy façade of the serial rapist and murderer melted into a cascade of tears. He picked up a handkerchief, blotted his eyes, and nodded in appreciation toward those two who had taken it upon themselves to release him of at least two counts of evil in his life. This was profound beyond any punishment that he'd ever receive.

Next to love, forgiveness is perhaps the most important act of human existence. Naturally, the two go hand in hand. It is easy to hate those who have hurt you, but it takes almost a supernatural touch to forgive someone who has hurt you beyond comprehension, especially when it is someone you didn't love to begin with. Dr. Richard S. Lyon states quite emphatically, "This is the pinnacle of Christian ethics. Loving someone who doesn't love us back, or at least not continuing to hate someone who has really hurt you is by far the highest calling there is."

"Forgiveness only comes into play when there is no excuse for the wrong that was done." Dr. Lyon, who has a Ph.D. from Claremont, a Masters of Divinity from Fuller Seminary, and is also a practicing family therapist, and Presbyterian minister, shared several key thoughts on forgiveness, and emotional healing. He emphasizes that forgiveness is critical to our faith. Primarily, the reason people often have a difficult time forgiving, is because they confuse forgiving with excusing. "Excusing someone is deciding that something is not wrong, because of mitigating circumstances. When my daughter was an infant, she woke me up all the time in the middle of the night. I didn't really have to forgive her for that; I just had to excuse her, because [she was just a baby.] Forgiveness is deciding to not continue hating someone, even though a definite wrong was perpetrated or committed."

Dr. Lyon continues with an illustration from Matthew 18. "The unforgiving servant refuses to forgive the small debt that his fellow servant owes him. Debt comes in different forms, obviously. When we're violated, we feel like we're owed something, or that we want something back that we've lost. We want compensation, an apology, or believe [those who have hurt us] owe it to us to be perpetually guilty, or think that we're entitled to revenge. Unforgiveness really becomes deadly when we believe that others owe it to us to spare us normal adult responsibilities because we're so hurt and wounded. I really think this does trace back to unwillingness to forgive."

Author, Karen C. Strand, whose book "Escape from the Fowler's Snare" vividly describes the heartache she endured when her first husband abandoned her family, and later when her children dealt with occult involvement, drug abuse and schizophrenia. Certainly, it is incredibly difficult to forgive the wrongs perpetrated against you by those you should be able to trust most. She details these instances in her life. "I needed to forgive my ex husband for deserting his family. I needed to forgive a daughter and a son for causing me so much grief. Regarding the husband, my forgiveness has released me from inner turmoil. Regarding my kids, my forgiveness has enabled me to preserve and maintain a loving relationship with them."

Much like Strand forgiving her ex-husband, Dr. Lyon brings up the topic of unilateral forgiveness. "I make a distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation. Reconciliation really requires two parties to come together, and to agree that a wrong has been done, because without that agreement there is a disagreement about a very significant hurt. It's pretty difficult to go on with a relationship, unless it's an honest relationship. But there are times when the perpetrator has no interest in being reconciled or being forgiven, or has died, or is inaccessible due to other circumstances. So while it is not always possible to forgive bilaterally, it is always possible to forgive unilaterally and cancel the debt. In this case, the benefit of forgiveness accrues to the forgiver and not to the forgiven."

"Bitterness is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." This quote gives us insight into how volatile lack of forgiveness is to us. Strand reiterates this in her own words. "Unforgiveness is deadly, and destroys our relationship with God as well as others."

Strand references Colossians 3:13 which reminds us of why forgiveness is significant and critical to Christians. "...As the elect of God, put on tender mercies, kindness...bearing with one another, and forgiving one another...even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do."

So how does one release the intense bitterness, and truly forgive? Dr. Lyon' makes it clear that forgiveness is difficult most of the time. "God forgives utterly, instantly, and permanently. That's the way [it] ought to be with us, but usually it's not. The story of Joseph in Genesis is a good illustration of that. Upon confronting his brothers, he experiences the full range of emotions: sadness, great longing for his brothers, anger, and even seeks revenge. Then he extends them grace by offering them a chance to redeem themselves. But he goes back and forth, and at the end is able to reveal his identity, and is reconciled with his brothers. His forgiveness proceeds in fits and starts, and that is the case for us."

"Forgiveness is not an instant, just-add-water concoction; it can be a process," agrees Strand.

Dr. Lyon continues, "I think it's necessary to acknowledge that forgiveness is a process; otherwise, people are led into despair. They will encounter certain situations, memories, and feelings about the incidents that might come to the surface. They'll possibly feel like there is no out, or that they'll never get over it. But forgiveness is a process, it's a feature of our humanity."

The after-math of bitterness is detrimental. As Dr. Lyon illustrates, the profound reality of hate is that it is often wasted energy. "When we don't forgive, we continue on with our resentment. That refusal to forgive becomes so corrosive, and consumes our time, and even can lead to physical and emotional stress reactions. And yet, all that hatred is often lost on the person we hate. Someone so clueless or cruel as to have hurt you in the first place, might not really care that you hate them anyway."

Strand emphasizes the need to be obedient to God. "Forgiveness is a crucial part to our Christian faith because the scriptures tell us to forgive, making it an act of obedience to God. Also it is a strong witness of God in us."

As Christians, our actions should reflect on our relationship with God. Dr. Lyon says, "Once we've experienced the forgiveness of God, and realize that it's so enormously greater than the debt we feel is owed to us, that becomes the incentive for forgiving others. But there are other incentives even for people that don't believe in God. The benefit of forgiving someone is often mainly experienced by the forgiver."

There is a troublesome trend in the Church that Dr. Lyon mentions. "A lot of what I see in the Church is that people experience being forgiven as being excused, and that it eliminates the need for repentance. [Many Protestants, especially] have lost that sense of sorrow, the reflection, and introspection that becomes necessary when you receive forgiveness. We have to realize that what we've done has no excuse and has to be addressed in a radical change of direction."

Our forgiveness will never be as comprehensive as God's. Despite our failure to match divine grace, Dr. Lyon feels that "it is important to recognize that forgiveness is inevitably going to be incomplete, but it can move us in the direction of spiritual and biological health."

The story of Jesus healing the paralytic highlights our need for forgiveness. "Jesus was making the statement that being forgiven was a greater cure than being able to walk. What really ails us more than physical maladies is the quandary of not being able to experience forgiveness. We mainly come to God for forgiveness– not to be healed of our physical ailments."

We cannot afford not to forgive, because it sends us plunging into seething bitterness and torment. Forgiveness is the warm breath of God that melts our icy hearts, and even allows the parents of murder-victims to look a cold-blooded killer in the eye and pardon him for slaughtering their daughters. While we may never know such intense grief, or have to extend forgiveness of that magnitude, it might help us to see the hurts in our own lives as less insurmountable.